Better Mommies August Meet up Summary
During the month of August Better mommies met in the orthodox club, it was a very friendly atmosphere and we discussed the best parenting model suggest by Diana Baumrind.
Diana Baumrind suggested that deciding how strict to be (how demanding) is only half the battle. You also have to decide how responsive to be.
So the more strict you are the more demanding you become, also she defined giving love, care and attending to your children needs as being responsive.
She made the below model which describes the 4 types of parenting
Very Strict + Low responsiveness = Authoritarian
These are parents who have high expectations of their kids, which is a good thing, research shows. That’s how kids get good grades, learn to manage themselves responsibly, and stay out of trouble. There are two problems with these parents. First, they are very controlling, which makes kids rebel. Second, they don’t offer their kids much support. It’s pull up your socks, straighten up and fly right, my way or the highway. The kids are left on their own to learn to regulate their emotions, so these households usually have anger-management issues. These parents were usually parented this way themselves, and think they came out fine, but psychologists would call them "defended." Research shows these kids often end up looking for love in all the wrong places. Not surprisingly, many kids who get arrested fit this profile
Low Srtict + high Responsiveness = Permissive
These are parents who offer their kids lots of support, which is terrific. Their problem is that they don’t also have high expectations. Some of them believe that’s a good thing – they wouldn’t want to get in the way of their child’s natural development. Others just can’t bear to have their child face something difficult even for a moment, so they make a lot of excuses for their kid. Most of these parents are trying hard not to repeat their own parents’ tough-love parenting style, so they go overboard in the other direction. Don’t get me wrong – you can never offer your child too much respect and empathy. But if you let your child walk all over you or other people, what are you teaching him about relationships? We all need the experience of being loved through our disappointments and coming out stronger on the other side. While letting kids discover their own passions is terrific, kids often need help in structuring themselves to explore those passions, or they become discouraged and give up. Kids WANT to please, and they WANT to achieve -- depending on how that's defined -- but they need parental help to learn the internal discipline to accomplish their goals. These kids often become self-centered and "spoiled," or vaguely unhappy and insecure.
Third Type is
Not strict + Low responsiveness = Neglectful
There have always been parents who can’t give their kids the love and attention they need, either because of alcoholism, narcissism, or just external pressures like needing to work two jobs to support the family. But these parents seem to me to be even more prevalent today, at least in some communities, where we rationalize thrusting kids into daycare at ever earlier ages for ever-longer hours, and then as they grow up we push them into the arms of their peer group, so that we have little or no influence on them by the time they’re teenagers. These parents sometimes vanish into drug addiction or abandon the family, but there are plenty of seemingly normal families where the parents are too focused on their own work or social lives to engage deeply with their kids. It’s not unusual to see these parents lavish money on their kids instead of attention. This is always a message to the child that he isn’t worth loving, and if both parents are uninvolved, you can pretty much count on the kid having substance abuse or other major issues
Forth Type which is the best of all is
Very strict+ very responsive= Authoritative
These type of parents offer their kids lots of love and support, like the permissive parents. But they also hold high expectations, like the authoritarian parents. Age-appropriate expectations, of course – they aren’t expecting a three year old to clean up her room by herself. But they may well be working with that three year old to help her clean up, making it fun, over and over and over, so that by six she really can clean up her room herself. These parents are involved -- even demanding. They expect family dinners, lots of discussion straight through high school, good grades, responsible behavior. But they aren't controlling, meaning that they let the child do it his way, and they give lots of freedom beyond their specific rules. They listen, and they look for win/win solutions that work for kids as well as adults. They also offer their kids complete support to learn how to achieve these expectations. Because the parents are comfortable with their emotions and able to regulate them, these kids learn early to regulate their own emotions and thus are more open to guidance. Not surprisingly, these kids stay close to their parents, often describing a parent as the person they would most trust to talk to about a problem. These kids are usually high achievers in school, and they’re also the ones that teachers describe as responsible and well-liked; simply nice, considerate kids who are a pleasure to have around. This parenting style, is, of course, the one that research shows raises the best-adjusted kids.
Kids only accept the high expectations of authoritative parents because of the support they get. That means that along with limits, these kids get tremendous empathy, and step by step help in learning to manage themselves. They also experience respect, which means their parents listen to what's important to them and find win-win solutions. (That's one of ways you keep them from needing to humiliate you in restaurants to get you to listen.)
I loved telling the mommies who attended about these parenting models, read more on our psychological articles to learn about the advantages and disadvantages of being a strict or permissive parent...
looking forward to see you again mommies and for those who haven't attended, looking forward to see you in our upcoming meetings!